Jan 31st 2021
Dpdr has been a major issue for me since 2018 when I was heavily psychotic. Since then I have found it hard to not fall into paranoia and fear every time my brain suggests that this is all a video game or that I have no identity or whatever else it offers. The one thing that helped incredibly, other than intensive therapy of course, was this really soothing existential idea; it’s soothing because it can’t really be denied no matter what my dpdr says. I won’t act like it's a certainty, but I really identify with it.
Essentially: everything is energy. Energy is its own consciousness, its own being, that is much larger than we are and much larger than the universe we know. For Energy, creating the universe was a fun game or an accidental byproduct of its own survival. Energy is the ultimate reason why we exist, why anything exists, it is the only undeniable source of every real thing. Our universe could be a simulation inside Energy’s mind, or a toy for it like Legos. Regardless, it has given us a purpose: use your individual energy to the best of your ability. Use it well; as in, eat, sleep, exercise, participate in our energy-fuelled society, work, laugh. Use our incredibly gifted energetic minds at every opportunity for everything, because that’s undeniably the best thing Energy gave us. That’s undeniably why we are here. That’s undeniably who each of us are; Energy’s children, its worker bees, who spread molecules of Energy around with every breath we take. We are tiny moving parts within Energy. That’s all everything is. Nothing will end when human lives do; we are molecules inside of a much larger, more incredible being.
Since I had this idea explained to me, it’s brought me immense amounts of peace. Nothing I do or think is ever wrong, and none of it matters, because what matters is that I am here and I am a part of Energy. All of us and all that we do matters because we’re all formed from the fingertips of an inter-dimensional non-sentient idea. I hope this resonates with someone else, and if not, I’m glad I could ramble about it.
Dec 10th 2020
I can’t think about this right, apologies if this is a mess, I ended up trying to kill myself a day ago and I’m still in hospital. I don’t know who I am or anything about myself. I’m a compilation of a bunch of traits I mimic from other people that I like because I don’t know who I am or how to just “be”. I never have. It’s always been this way, but now it’s starting to really hurt. I mean it’s hurting so bad that it’s scaring me. I have pushed other people away for my whole life. I love these people I really do. I just feel so alone. I don’t feel like I’m actually there with people. I don't feel like people want me around or miss me when I'm don't show up. I’m sick in the head. I’m a ghost of a bunch of other people in the body of a dying 20 year old boy. I’m not desirable to be around.
All of this combined with the regular self-hatred and spiralling anger with myself and my choices is really getting to me. This is a new kind of pain I’ve never dealt with before. I feel so raw like a child who just got whipped by their dad.
I wish I could be born again
Nov 18th 2020
Now I'm diagnosed with BPD, OCD, and non-specific anxiety (cardiophobia and social, mostly). It makes perfect sense to me; OCD runs in my family and I'm incredibly compulsive, I just always attributed all of it to anxiety. It explains where my really intense issues with intrusive thoughts is coming from.
I wish I could index all of my journal entries and thoughts into this website, but I tend to like writing stuff out on paper better ... and I can't be bothered to do all that work. But I like the idea of being able to direct whoever needs to read it to one place instead of needing multiple mediums in order to understand me in complexity.
Oct 23rd 2020
I don't know how to explain this in the most accurate way, but I want to try to write out this feeling I got when I was on shrooms in 2019. Because I had never thought that way before, and its never gone away since. I became really aware of the fact that ... I'm inside my body. I'm not the parts that other people see ... skin, eyes, hands. I'm inside of the parts that are inside of those parts. Our concept of ourselves is so skewed, that before this, I thought of "myself" as my entire body. I suddenly felt like I was wearing a flesh suit overtop of my real body... an astral body? I'm only made up of the parts inside my skin. I'm not my skin, I just move around inside of it and it follows suit. I'm not explaining the feeling well enough ... it was such a severely shocking moment for me. I felt like ... holy fuck, there has to be more to our existence than skin, bones, and blood. Because how am I thinking so deeply about what I am? I think this experience is the only reason that I believe in energetic souls. I wish I could explain it better, because it just sounds like schizo rambling, but it's really hard. It really made me think about how ... if someone hooked your body up to a machine that stimulated all of your senses in order to make you think you're experiencing something... you aren't actually experiencing it. But you'd have absolutely no way of knowing that what happened was fake. The only reason we understand that dreams "arent real" is because we wake up from them unmoved. You know?
Oct 8th 2020
I finally quit drugs. I know it's my second time quitting, but I feel better about it this time. More ready. but I'm still heavily avoidant of schoolwork. I haven't been angry lately... What I am feeling is insecure, unreal, worried about my future. I worry about three things: that I'll fail at school completely and never have a job that I like; that I'll fall back into drugs and the homicidal thoughts will start multiplying and strengthening again; and that I've always been right about this all being part of a video game.
June 3rd 2020
im so tired of fighting. i'm tired of being scared of the sheepdog when I AM NOT A SHEEP. i'm tired of megalomaniacs. ITS CRUEL TO LOVE POWER. YOU CAN'T BE POWERFUL WITHOUT BEING HURTFUL. this planet belongs to all of us, together, equally. and nobody gets to tell me what my life is worth nor anyone else's when nature will always treat us equally.
May 10th 2020
we are separated by oceans. you are continents away from me. it's not fair.it's not fair that you don't love me. it's not fair that i can't choose to just live with you and stay with you forever. we wouldn't need to work, we could get a farm and a river and build our own cottage... i'd be perfect to you. i would wake up every day next to you and just look at you for hours. i want you to adore me too. i want to see firsthand how the sun looks hitting your skin. i want to know what it feels like when your eyes look at mine.
April 10th 2020
its hard to believe sometimes that i'm still here. i dont feel like i was meant to stay
March 29th 2020
WHAT I DON'T SEE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DON'T KNOW I DON'T WANT WHAT I DON'T WANT I DON'T NEED WHAT I DON'T NEED I DON'T FEEL WHAT I DON'T FEEL I DON'T SAY WHAT I DON'T SAY I DON'T DO WHAT I DON'T DO I DON'T LIKE WHAT I DON'T LIKE I WASTE
February 27th 2020
my brain tells me that i should be important. that the fact that im experiencing this means that i'm important. i should BE something. but im not. im an addict dropout with mental problems. i should be known. i should be more than my body.
February 13th 2020
One of my closest friends suddenly became too much of a Nazi (and I say it like that because she already idolized Nazi figureheads and aesthetic) to want to be around me. She left me and my friends because half of us are some kind of non-Aryan, non-perfent, minority. She only kept in contact with the OTHER one who left to become a Nazi, and her boyfriend who dms me talking about how much she scares him. Because he's not straight. And she's a Nazi. Not only am I angry and confused and disgusted, but I'm disappointed as fuck. You just decided that because a Nazi was hot that they're right about everything, and I'm not good enough for you? You suddenly hate me for something I can't control? I don't know whats wrong with your brain but its not only affecting you anymore. I shouldn't care about you anymore Alex, but I fucking do, and that's the part that SUCKS. I care. I'm so fucking sad you decided to become violent and homophobic and racist and that you hate us. Truly, I bet your family is proud of you. Bunch of abusive money launderers who care more about their drug production business than their own daughter, and a brother who kills dogs and beats you up for fun. You're finally the thing they wanted to make you into, so I hope you feel proud of yourself.
January 28th 2020
I saw family today. Went outside, spoke to people, ran into an old high school teacher even. It's okay. Still thinking about murder a lot.
January 22nd 2020
I really just think I’m destined to fuck up. Those people exist you know? I want to hurt people and then die. And I don’t really know how to fix that.
For the last few weeks, I've gone out every night around 9 p.m. I'll sit out there looking at the stars and listening to music for an hour first. And then I smoke for 20 minutes, and go back inside. Spend the rest of the night playing things or watching things. I just ... can't be bothered to do anything 'worthwhile'. All I want recently is to be high, to experience my surroundings ... I have work to do. I have things to pay for. I have a job. And yet I'm not doing any of that.
I'm having really intense derealization. I just can't fathom that any of this is real, that this is what life is. This is what a video game feels like. I don't know how I feel about life, if this is what it is. I'm supposed to accept that I'm a natural creature, grow up, start doing things for society so that they let me have food and shit, and then I die. That's everything? Why the fuck did we ruin it, when we were all just plants? Why can't I be a tree? Why do I have to live like this? Like it's fake? It just feels so heavily, incredibly goddamn fake. And I don't think I'll shake that thought, ever, for the rest of my life.
December 29th 2019
they still haven't called to start my therapy. this is the longest i've gone without therapy in six years and its the worst period of my life. the healthcare industry is so fucked up. if i ever hurt anyone, or kill myself, please tell doctors to stop putting homicidal and suicidal kids on waitlists.
November 4th 2019
I'm living with my parents again now, because I was getting dangerous for other people. I wanted to go on a spree. Now I'm being watched every day to make sure that I'm safe ... and I'm starting group therapy and DBT soon. It'll be weird. I feel like I've evolved so much as a person, not necessarily in a good direction, and talking to a whole new person about myself and what's in my head seems odd. At least I know now that it's borderline personality disorder. It makes it all a bit easier for myself to understand. It all still hurts though.
September 29th 2019
I really have been thinking about other people a lot... all the time... because I feel so alone. But my reaction is to go home and smoke all my weed, and play SOTC until I'm too sleepy to stay awake. If I can't sleep, I go for a walk and lay on the bleachers at the park and stargaze. And smoke more. If you knew me in person, you'd probably think it's gross. I hate that I like smoking.....if I still had people in my life personally I wouldn't need it anyway. I'd never let them see those parts of me .... I'd dress like you every day. I'd learn how to cook better so I never have to eat fast food again. I'd actually face my fears and go workout. I'd ask to hang out all the time.... until you fall in love with me. I want to hold you in my arms, lay down with you. Hold you so tight against me. I want to hear your breathing, feel your chest rising and falling....I want to study your face while your eyes are closed....touch your eyelashes, your lips. I want to feel your hair, run my hand through it. I want to feel your hands holding me, pressing into me, like you want me there, you don't want me to go. I want to feel your skin, your REAL BODY. like you're a real person. I want to know what your lips feel like.. I've always loved your lips so much. I can imagine how beautiful you look when you're calm, cuddling, sleepy... what I'd give to be with you in a moment like that. I'd gladly trade the rest of my life for just 5 minutes of that with you. I'd give my soul to the devil. I cant describe accurately how fucking bad i want this. just know that now im maladaptive daydreaming, of this exact scenario. There's a reason i don't write about you ebvery time. because don't fucking doubt it; i think about you every second of every fucking day. i love the idea of you more than you've ever been loved by anyone else.
September 24th 2019
reality doesn't even feel real anymore. i dont know that anyone exists unless i've seen them in person. even when i have, how do i know that im truly seeing them? what if i just invented them with my senses? how do i trust my body to really tell me what is on the Outside, when all i truly know is whats inside? in my head and my body and on this side of my skin?
September 14th 2019
i shouldnt feel this kind of way.
September 8th 2019
i don't know why it happened, but i had a partial seizure. it was after taking a bong rip. first i just felt really nauseous and knew my heart rate was too fast and started sweating a lot. i wasnt scared at first. basically, i've felt it before, and its the same feeling ive gotten in the past after bong/hookah rips/other drugs, and ive always just assumed its my blood pressure taking a massive dip (or my heart condition?). i got some fresh air but it didnt help. went back inside and sat on my bed, started losing muscle control and convulsing. then that happened for maybe 20 seconds. ive already had scary near-death experiences, in which my heart stopped, but this was almost scarier. right before it happened, i totally accepted death. i stared at myself in my mirror and noted every little detail of my face. loved myself. i wanted to lay down and enjoy my "last moments". the calm scared me. if you're "near death" and scared, you aren't going to die. its when you accept it and are totally calm that you're really in danger. maybe i did die, and what im experiencing now is just another path. alternate realities or whatever. a "respawn" in this video game.
August 24th 2019
I want to go on long night-walks again. At school, I liked to go out when it was too dark to see and get high. I lit fires sometimes. I liked to look in people's windows if they had their lights on still. It was always long walks though, because I had to get far away from the town center in order for it to be lonely enough on the street. Sometimes, I'd just get on a bus to the other side of town, and then wander around for an hour until the returning bus came. I liked giving into it all like that. Sometimes I wanted to buy energy drinks, but I never let myself because it could kill me so easily, because of my heart being so fragile. But I have an easy way out if I'm ever considering suicide.
One night, a night I bought shrooms last year, I missed my bus back to campus and had to wait until around 1 AM to get back to my place. It felt surreal, at an empty city bus stop, no streetlights nearby, no sounds. Just crickets. I almost just walked off and never returned. I get the impulse to do that a fuckton. A cop car passed me at one point, and I just had a baggie of shrooms in my hand, and I felt nostalgaic. Even if they'd stopped to ask me questions, I doubt they would have cared. I felt so invisible then.
August 17th 2019
Life feels like a video game recently. I walk and the sounds my steps make sound like the fake ones in horror games. And when I'm at work and the lights are off and I'm the only one out front, just pushing all of the lawnmowers outside, the whole building looks like someone placed down every pixel one by one and gave it personalized character and shading. And you know? maybe that's what life really is. A video game. Other people don't seem real, they seem like theyre NPCs, just loading up pre-thoughtout things to say to me and waiting for my response to load another pre-programmed sentence. No thinking. No wondering. Even when they do say important or interesting things, it feels like I'm creating what they're saying and projecting it into their code. Like I built this game and all the characters, and then put myself inside of the main character.
August 9th 2019
I love you.
August 6th 2019
i have this fantasy world in my head where you and i have an old cottage/shack on a jagged mountain near a river. its raining. we're somewhere remote in iceland or ireland, and we don't know anybody, and we hunt our own food and purify our own water. all of that stuff. i just want me and you, and that's it, i would never need anybody else ever again. i wish i could have this, more than anything in the world.
August 2nd 2019
i cannot stand talking to people. its the EXACT. SAME. FIVE. QUESTIONS. OVER AND OVER. "where are you going to school again?" "what are you taking?" "where are you living next year?" "do you like school?" "hows work?" "you like working?" FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!! I DONT WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU!!!!! I DONT GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!
i swear. soon im just going to start saying "i dont want to answer questions" or "i dont want to be part of the conversation". but if i do that, people will all tell me im being rude. fuck. it isnt rude. im trying to stay fucking SANE. if the same fucking conversations keep happening 10 times a day im going to lose my mind VERY soon.
June 28th 2019
i love you so much i might be insane.
i don't want these thoughts, i don't want to even fucking love you because it's pointless and i don't thinmk you'll ever love me. but i cant stop thinking about you. i want you here. i want you in my arms. i want to fall asleep holding you. i want to kiss your forehead and touch your hair, and play with it, and i want you to love it. i want you to love me.i want you to look into my eyes like you've never looked into anyone else's. i want you to think of me every second of every day, and i want you to wonder how i am and what im doing, and text me sweet things, and i want you to help every bad thing go away. i want to be in the sun with you and have happy days with you and lay in bed in the daylight all day with you. please
June 22nd 2019
i think everyone is always missing the point.
it doesnt matter. whatever im happy about, whatever im anxious about, whatever im doing or where im going. everything doesnt need a point. but even after realizing that, im sitting here in tears. just looking at whats before me, wishing i could write something profound, that i was a great. i don't make sense of anything i feel, but i feel it so heavily. the point of life is feeling, i've always thought that ... but why? if i can accept that this is what life is, and what life is always going to be, and that everything else is petty or unworthy, why do i do it so poorly? why do i despise my reason for living? why do i force myself day and night to feel bad, to feel so so goddamn doomed and failed, and then decide that life is doing this to me? why do i want to commit suicide?
i wish i could make all my thoughts into an 8bit-style game where the player navigates my head and comes to a conclusion about me themselves, because i dont think i can do it.
June 9th 2019
I only care about the things that are real. And nothing at university feels real. I don’t care about the money I’ll make, I don’t care about language or math or other things humans created. It’s why I went into biology but even then, it feels fake. I don’t care about the chemistry of the universe or even what our bodies are made of and how they work, I care about nature and being a part of it. I care about conservation of the planet. The different energy forms astound me. Why the fuck can’t I just examine the planet forever? Earth and the things Earth created and the things those things feel are the only things I find important. I just want that forever. If I could, I would get on that one way trip to Mars. Otherwise, I’ll just go somewhere completely remote, cut down trees myself, build a house, get my own clean water, hunt all my own food, etc without ever having to do jobs I don’t care about and interact with living things whose priorities are different than mine. But those people are 'crazy' and it feels impossible, because as a human raised to depend upon others for that (or 'raised in captivity'), I would likely be overwhelmed and underprepared. I know that. I'm a realist. It just causes me so much grief and anxiety to know that none of this can ever happen.
June 7th 2019
I'm so god damn in love with you i feel like im going insane. please, universe, let me have this one. Im praying and i dont even believe in god. please. i love you so much. i love you i love you i love you i love uou i lovr you
June 5th 2019
I've started listening to Sigur Rós a lot again. It makes me want to go on an endless road trip, or sit in a tree and look at the water for hours. I don't know... my favourite song is "Untitled #1 [Vaka]". Otherwise, life is just life right now; I like my job a lot and it makes me feel like I'm staying healthy because it's physically draining, even if I'm completely exhausted at the end of the day, I feel good. I tend to fall back into unhealthy living as soon as winter hits and I'm off. I just can't bring myself to keep up the routine unless I have good reason to beyond just my health. Lately I've been wanting to spend more time outside doing things but the blackflies and horseflies are just so bad right now, it's unbearable to go outside unless you're moving constantly, like at work. They'll die off in a couple weeks, hopefully, because I'm getting edgy from being inside so long; I think I may be an extrovert, but only with nature, not with people.
May 10th 2019
I keep wishing that I was a better musician. My voice is just fucked right now, and I can't explain, all I can do is hope that it'll improve if I keep practicing. Sometimes I feel like my love for music is the only thing I have going for me. And that scares me. I'm not good enough. Not nearly at all. ... I don't understand how people have good lives. The concept is just foreign to me. I have upper-middle class parents, and I go to a high end school, and I'm white and male and whatever, but I'm still fucking miserable. How? How do people just have happiness all the time? I have more than I could ever ask for, and I'm still utterly useless. It's an odd thing to think about. Sometimes I think that nobody else is even real and I'm the only living thing, and this is all a test or something. If it is, I'm sorry that I'm failing.
April 23rd 2019
I am sitting here right now feeling the warm breeze through my window. The sky is grey. All I want is to be at Paudash. If I close my eyes and rock back and forth it almost feels like I'm on the boat again. I would give anything to be back there ... 3 more days.
In other news: I fall so easily for people. Fuck this. It hurts so badly. I make a new playlist for every feeling you give me and I can't listen to them without getting that awful pit in my stomach. And it's worse this time because it's hopeless, I have no chance at all. I don't exist at all to you. I want you so much. You are everything. I'm so fucking in love with you.
I don't understand why other people take advantage of travelling. They get there and all they do is take pictures of themselves for fucking instagram. All they do is take their parents' money and get drunk and leave a mess everywhere. I want to go places to experience. I want to cross the ocean on my journey to you. I want to backpack everywhere and stay in a tent or people's houses. I want to swim in lakes and oceans and walk every single street in Ireland until I get to you. Fuck these people who travel just because they have fucking money to waste. Vacation is one thing, but actually travelling when you don't give a shit about where you are is fucked. I know that I can't leave here, either... but it still hurts. I just want to be free.
April 21st 2019
I walked yesterday for hours and hours and wanted to cause destruction again by the end of it. I don't know if it's the love, or the apathy, or the confusion that's making me feel like this. All I know is I'm tired, and my brain just keeps telling me to hurt yourself and hurt people. My therapist said it's just the Ghost playing with me. It isn't fucking fun living like this, it's tiring, and I feel insane no matter how many people tell me I'm not. Soon I'll be home for summer in a much better place, but for now things just have to keep being shit.